I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
