Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Michael Bay diarrhea
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
