Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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