Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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