Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
