I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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