Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
