K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
