i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
