morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You can't just leave with hair like that
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
