OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
