Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
