He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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