Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
