It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize