Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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