Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
