I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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