She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
