Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize