I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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