the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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