Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
