I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
