Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You ate ashes out of my bong
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
