my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
did i walk over a car last night?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
