i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
