going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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