I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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