he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
