Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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