Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
