seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
