What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
