The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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