My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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