Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
well you can't waste a boner
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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