I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
