Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Let's get the cat blown out
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
