By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Dicks are not precious.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
