You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Randomize
