that's an acceptable place to lick
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
