How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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