So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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