i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
