Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
