i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
