I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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