also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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