I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
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