Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
