I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
