How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
no you cant smoke seaweed
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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