I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
