I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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