New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Please don't give away my fajitas
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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