i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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