i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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